


and the stars, they burned

by kareskun



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars: Poe Dameron (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, F/F, Stargazing, Stars, and feelings!!!, i mean like loads of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-03 08:35:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10963581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kareskun/pseuds/kareskun
Summary: "Thank you Black Squadron. It's been an honor."These were supposed to be Karé's last words - but they weren't.A Jessikaré fic set in the aftermath of the events of Issue #13 of the Poe Dameron Comic.





	1. under the stars

**Author's Note:**

> anyways jess and karé are married and we all know??? also have some sweet sweet feelings. i almost cried while writing.

_Don‘t worry, Karé. I’m not gonna let up. I’ll fight right until the end._

_And I’m taking some of them with me._

The words started trickling into Karé’s mind. One by one. And one by one they started freezing Karé’s heart. One by one. Little drops of fear. 

She knew this would happen. One day. They weren’t invincible. Although they often liked to act like they were. It was easier like that. To pretend. Like history hadn’t taught them better. Like the stories of the rebellion hadn’t taught them better. Rogue One, invincible as they were, went up in flames. It was her destiny as well.

It had almost been her end, today. Almost. But as fate gave it also took away. 

But please, oh please, not Jess. Not Jess. Never Jess.

***

The stars were stitched on the night sky of D’Qar. A careful hand had laid them out one by one, organized them in a barely discernible pattern, and then fixed them on the firmament with the finest thread. 

It was one of those nights were the sky was big and black and looked like anything was possible. But this wasn’t how Karé felt. Karé felt like that black sky was a blanket of sadness on her heart, stifling the joy of victory. It hadn’t been a victory. Instead, there was something else in her, everywhere in her, slowly spreading like the rolling fog.

It was a deep and profound sadness. A primordial sadness, from the depths of the universe. 

As she was lying down on the grass, it settled over her. And with it, a longing. A longing so bad it was pulling at her heart pulling her over to – but she stayed in place. Like always. Doomed to inaction. As she had been on their mission. Doomed to inaction as L’ulo was shot down. Doomed to inaction as Jess was ready to sacrifice herself to give them a shot at winning, a shot at getting out. 

This hadn’t been the first time. But why did it hurt so bad? Why was she lying here, on the floor, with a blanket suffocating her heart?

The endlessness of the night sky was beginning to smother Karé the longer she stared into it. She let herself fall, drowning in it. Her mind emptied itself into the infinite depths of the night until it was no more, until every thought was just like a star, flickering unreachable in the distance. 

Karé didn’t know how long she had been lying there. She was suspended in the sky, suspended in time. Time had token a quick break for Karé to drown her thoughts in the darkness. 

But time, like the entropy responsible for the irreversible explosion of L’ulo, kept on moving. And it was then when Karé noticed there was Jess lying next to her. Karé turned her head and tried for a weak smile. Tried. It sputtered and died on her lips. As she looked at Jess’ face in the darkness, stars reflecting in her eyes, grass tickling her cheeks, Karé saw that same weak smile on mirrored on her lips.

“Hey”, Jess said solemnly.

Karé tried to call her thoughts down from the stars. They arrived, one by one, at her lips, shy of turning into words in the night air. But then they began leaving one after the other transforming into sentences and fears and words and regrets and sadness.

“L’ulo… he was the best of us. And I couldn’t do anything and he just … he just. Exploded. One second he was there and then the next – he was just fire. A big ball of fire. And I know he was prepared to sacrifice himself for the cause – and I am too, we all are – but it still hurts. And afterwards you are beating yourself over and over thinking, what could I have done more? What if I had just taken that slight course correction here, that extra shot there? Would that have saved him? Was it my fault at the end? Could he still be here if I was just better?” Karé’s voice broke, a tiny bit. She didn’t want Jess to notice it. But Jess continued her thoughts.

“It’s like, you are sitting there and you know you should be doing something, anything, but you can’t. Except to watch. You have to watch. And when you fall asleep, you have to watch every time. Over and over. And every time, you fail him. You don’t do anything. Just sit there. And at the end, you think it’s your fault. If you just would have _done_ something. But you didn’t.” Jess paused.

“I didn’t.”

For a while they just lay there. Little tears silently rolled down Jess face. She moved her head onto Karé’s shoulder. Or it had always been there and she just hadn’t noticed. 

Jess began again. The words were now rolling out, wanting to be free. 

“And you tell yourself, next time I will do better. I will take that shot. I will fly differently. I will be there to save them. But that next time never comes, because each second of time is unique. Each second of the battle is unique. Sure, there are general scenarios you can prepare for, train for. But in the actual situation, you have to rely on your instincts. And sometimes you make mistakes. And sometimes. Sometimes. You just sit there. Unable. Unable to do anything. And every time you make a mistake, you hope it is not that fatal one. That you can correct it. But one day, it is. And you told yourself, next time I will fix that mistake. I will correct slightly to the left. Put on slightly more speed. Do it better. But you didn’t. Or maybe you did, but it doesn’t matter because now he is dead.”

She stopped and took a big breath. 

“I miss him.”

Jess bit her lip. Looked into the stars again.

“And it is your personal fault. And you never – . You break yourself over those thoughts time after time, like the waves crashing against the cliff. You do that. I do that.”

She fell silent. The beating of her heart became a steady rhythm against Karé’s side. Slow, like the beat of a sad song about a lost love. In time, Karé’s heart matched it. It beat to the sadness and to the regret starting to form like a cloud over them.

Karé’s fingers started twisting themselves into Jess, almost autonomously. Automatically. Searching for something to hold onto. 

She had to say this now. The stars were looking down on her, twinkling with the truth she had told them. Karé realized something.

Stars – they weren’t fueled by gas. They were burning up all of the dreams and hopes and wishes people shared with them. 

“That feeling.” Karé began. “That sits deep in our bones. That feeling of regret and loss. I –”

Karé swallowed. Down her throat it went, that point of no return.

“I was afraid. I was afraid I would have to feel it, but a thousand times magnified then what I feel now. You – you were ready to just. Go down with them. And, I know it’s our thing. Giving the ultimate sacrifice for the galaxy. We all – I mean, we all are ready to do that. And our cause is worthy. I would rather be here than anywhere else. I love the galaxy. I would do anything for it to keep its freedom – including to die. But I also think that our thing is that we like to pretend that’s not going to happen. And usually it doesn’t. We’ll wing, and we’ll all be okay. That we like to think we’re invincible. But we aren’t. I’m not. You aren’t.”

She started to softly rub Jess’ thumb. 

“And that scares me. Rationally, I know it might happen some day. That the probability is high. But instinctively, I don’t. I don’t want it to happen. And you were so close and – I was scared. I couldn’t do anything, and I was scared. Just like with L’ulo. I was just there watching – and I wished it would be okay. That you were going to be okay. That you were next to me. But these days, the stars burn up our wishes.”

As an answer, Jess snuggled her face deeper into Karé’s neck. And there she stayed, the stars bearing silent witness until the fabric of the night sky was washed and all the black bled out and all the stars blended into the morning light.


	2. because the night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah this is Jess' pov!

_Karé – you okay?_

_Still flying, Jess, but barely. If I can just..._

_Oh, no._

Oh, no, it echoed in Jess’ head. Oh no oh no oh no ohnohnohnohnohno. Her heart started beating in a steady fear induced rhythm to the beat of the whispers in head. 

This wasn’t supposed to be how it all happened. They were to get out off this without a scratch, like always, laughing about the silly first order and how easily they got their asses beat. And most importantly, they were all supposed to be there. 

Especially Karé. Karé. With her loud laugh, drunk of cheap spirit, dramatically recounting the Best Of the Rebellion and the Resistance. Karé was the essence. The essence of everything. The resistance wouldn’t survive without her.

_Jess_ wouldn’t survive without her. 

***

Jess – she often came up here. Sometimes. It calmed her. She felt nearer to home up here. She felt nearer to everything up here. And she – here people wouldn’t just stumble upon her accidentally. Here she could be alone. Yes, she could also go out in the forest of D’Qar but it is here her safe spot was – on the resistance base. Hidden from everyone, in touching distance to the sky, which was black and endless above her – but still near people. The theoretical closeness to other people, it calmed her. She could never be truly alone. She didn’t like that. But here, on the roof, with the leisurely bustle down below, she could think.

The fresh night air – it was all around her, enveloping her in its black blanket, cradling her in its arms. She let her thoughts drift into the night. There they go, she thought, as they were slowly absorbed into the darkness. A sad smile stole itself onto her lips. She wasn’t falling apart. 

Everything was a just a bit too much. She could handle this – she _was_ handling it. It just. Was suffocating her a bit. Sometimes she felt like she couldn’t breathe. But it was fine. 

Everything was fine. 

But in the dark, under the protective cover of the night, two, three tears silently rolled out under eyes, leaving a sticky trail behind. 

She felt the fingers of the night wind brushing through her hair, again, again, again. 

“Hey”, the breeze whispered, it’s breath caressing over her cheeks.

“Mmh”, Jess murmured back 

Karé settled down in front of her. Jess could see her braids, sitting like a crown at the back of her head like a crown. With trembling fingers, Jess started to undo them. And as Karé’s hair started to fall through her fingers, the night unraveled around them.

The essence of the night, those little black strands, they started ripping up. Time – time started falling apart around them. But Jess, in this moment felt _safe_. Safe here, in her little private space with Karé.

As she started putting the braids back together, slowly, carefully, Jess started talking.

“I just feel. So empty. I have little black hole in my heart and its eating and eating and growing a little bit bigger every day and in nights like this it’s devouring, feeding of the blackness around me. And. Sometimes I just want to stuff something into it, to make it shut up a bit, to make it stop growing for a bit. Because – it’s like I feel it’s coming for all the other – the other parts of my heart. And then sometimes – sometimes. Sometimes stuff happens and it. It blows up. It blows up and it expands and settles over my heart like the nightfall over Dandoran.

“And what you said last time.

“It’s like – we can’t afford to lose anyone. The Resistance can’t afford to lose anyone. We are bare bones and then our best fighters, our best friends, they start to – disappear. Disappear, blow up, and we can’t. And L’ulo. He has been in this fight since forever. And he saw it go and then he had to see it come back again. And then – we lose. In a skirmish. That’s not supposed to be how we go. Well. Yes. Defending freedom, going up in flames. But on the other hand – we are supposed to live forever.

“And that fire from that explosion. It came out of the black hole in my hart and started eating around and around and starting eating at the Resistance. A little bit. It’s like, L’ulo, was kind of the core of this – whatever. And he has been here. Kinda like General Organa is. Right. She’s. She’s reminiscent of the olden days, resurrected to lead the galaxy to freedom once again. But she’s – she’s kind of a larger than life figure. She’s this big symbol of hope. Whereas L’ulo – he was the essence of our fight. He was in it, he had been _it_.”

And as silently as the tears were rolling down Jess’ cheeks, Karé’s voice started drifting back to her. 

“He used to tell the stories of the old days. And he helped to build up the new days. But – with L’ulo’s image in our hearts and on our ships we will build a better future. For all of us. For the galaxy.”

That’s how Jess felt with Karé – alive. Alive and kicking. Like they’re all going to make it through and come out victorious, fists in the air, cheering, freedom and stability yet again brought back to the galaxy. And she couldn’t lose this – not yesterday, not today, not ever.

“You remember what you told me last time – about how you were scared about me? I felt the same. Exactly the same. It just – you were there, engine broken, floating in space, surrounded by enemies – and I, I was scared of losing a half of me. We –”

Jess had finished re-braiding Karé’s hair, which now circled her head like a backwards tiara. So she dropped her head against Karé’s back and continue to speak, her words rumbling through Karé like the engine noise of an x-wing. Back and forth, providing solace in the lonely vastness of space. 

“God Karé, I love you so much. I can’t lose you. We all can’t lose you. Never do that again.”

The night was silent. Waiting.

“I love you too, Jess. But I can’t promise not to do that again. And neither can you.”

And it happened as the night around her came to an apex, as it became black as ink, almost tangible, thick enough to wade through. And it protected her here – in her own space with Karé, as she dropped her arms over her shoulders, dropped her head next to Karé’s, dropped her legs over Karé’s hips. Karé turned her head slightly so that she could drop a small kiss on Jess cheek. And Jess felt okay. She felt okay there, almost contempt, hugging Karé from behind, soaking up the night. Soaking up its promise of a dawn, of a future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just want to tell you jess and karé will go on a solo mission in #18 and im super pumped

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading and please tell me what you think! u can alwaysfind me on [tumblr](http://divinetheta.tumblr.com/) and i hoped u like it! this was something i was really excited to write after i read the issue and i hope i kinda managed to do something ....


End file.
